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Blog: I Declare War on Men

This week's Evil Mother Lady confession: I have decided to raise the ante and declare a war on men.

So, now it is time for the next confession—as the quasi-leader of a fringe feminist sect (think Evil Mothers United, scheming to take over as dictator of the world), I have decided to raise the ante and declare a war on men. No offense guys, but in today’s political climate it is the girls against the guys and you guys have already taken enough potshots at us. Time for the tables to turn and the discussion to focus on the issues in a different light.

Since it seems like we are still stuck in 1992, where the last war on women seemed to fade away, I want to revisit my radical solution from that era. And yes, I was reading something about the meta-ethics of radical feminism at the time, but like I said, I represent a fringe feminist sect … the double-sided battle ax on the cover was probably your first clue. But I digress. Let’s solve the debate on “women’s” issues—abortion, birth control, pregnancy, rape-exemptions to abortion, welfare mothers and absentee fathers—once and for all.

According to the little I know, all of these issues take two, but the only dialogue I witnessed playing out nationally this year has focused on women, promiscuous s**** as Rush Limbaugh would say, or just waiting for their government payoff as Mitt Romney mentioned recently as the reason for losing the presidential election. The one instance I have heard of that involved just a woman with regards to these issues was the Virgin Mary and I believe she is viewed as a saint.

Let’s require all men to have vasectomies at birth. You can reverse it when you feel mature enough to be a father. We can give you freewill and free choice; you decide when that would be appropriate. A little more complicated than circumcision but much less controversial, right? Sure it is painful but certainly a lot less painful than childbirth, so partake in the physical pain of being a parent a bit with us ladies. Eliminates many cases of teen pregnancy, birth control, the majority of abortions and those pesky welfare moms, the ones who end up pregnant and the guy magically disappears. And while we are at it, let’s legislate Viagra; no need for that very expensive prescription to be covered by medical insurance unless you have a medical note from your doctor, permission from your wife and a judge approves your request. Since the only purpose of sexuality is to make babies, Viagra isn’t medically necessary unless having a baby is something you are actively striving for with your spouse. So let’s just evaluate that publicly on a case by case basis.

Now I know this doesn’t address STDs but neither does prescription birth control; it would certainly bring down but not eliminate unwanted pregnancies (people lie even today about whether they have had a vasectomy or not); it won’t eliminate rape, that is a power and control issue, not a sexual issue, for all the talk otherwise. But it certainly cleans up some of these other issues in one neat, simple, tiny package. And I am sorry to tell you guys to take one for the team, but after all the legislation and talk about women and their body parts (Are we yet allowed to say the word “vagina” in Congress?), fifty years of debate about birth control, 30 years of debate about abortion, I don’t think it is too much to ask for you to step up and give up some of your right to privacy as women have done. Try on for size the shoe we have been wearing and see how it feels.

Frankly, I am tired of women being treated like a piece of luggage, viewed as a vessel to hold things, discussed like we are inanimate objects that exist only to hold things, destined to be placed on the shelf in baggage claim until society is ready to admit women are people, too. Why don’t you try it? Why are sperm, the other half of the building block of life, any less valued, less sacred, less legislatively protected and restricted than eggs? It takes two, so take your turn and switch the debate to your manly parts instead of my womanly parts. So, what do you say? Ready to join my war?

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