The Art of Family Meetings

Are you tired of trying to think of appropriate consequences for your kids when exhausted or emotionally charged? Do you feel like all your family does is complain about each other but never takes the time to appreciate the things they love? Do problems in your household flare up hot, never to be dealt with outside of the moment? Perhaps what you need is to instigate family meetings.

Family meetings are gatherings of family members held on a regular basis. They are used to touch base on what needs to be processed from the week, as well as what you appreciate about one another. They are a reconnect session, a brainstorm and perhaps even a movie night all in one.

There are many ways to do family meetings and once you get a few under your belt, you’re sure to come up with the brand that fits your family’s groove. Most of the models involve starting the meeting with each person mentioning one thing they like, want to thank, or congratulate someone else in the family for. This kind of appreciation is not done enough in the daily grind, and starting a meeting like this way paves the way for familial closeness.

Next, parents and children can discuss any problems with behavior and relationships that have come up during the week. Jane Nelsen, founder of the popular parenting philosophy Positive Discipline, suggests putting a brainstorming list up on the fridge so that all week long, any family member can come along and write something on it to be brainstormed for solutions at family meetings (older kids or grown-ups can write for younger children).

Kids can put down things they are unhappy with, either with parents or with each other. But, Nelsen warns, “Don't insist. Just notice if they do or not. If you see kids fighting you might say, ‘Would one of you like to put this on the agenda?’ ”

When you have a recurring issue with your children you’d like to add—like them not cleaning up their toys—Nelsen suggests saying, “This is a problem. Would you like to put it on the agenda, or should I?” If they don’t, you can. You may be surprised, as family meetings become more a part of your lives, that kids do add things you’d like to see addressed.

At the meeting, Nelsen advises allowing any and all solutions to be written down and entertained, even the silly (read: fun) ones. But for the sake of flow, a timer can be set for each item. Then, cross out all the ideas that aren’t practical, respectful or helpful. From what’s left, choose the one everyone can agree to. If none is found, congratulate everyone on working hard at learning brainstorming and table the idea until next week. If a solution is chosen, try it for a week to see how it works out.

Many family meetings conclude with a group activity such as baking, watching a movie or playing a game or two. I also love Nelsen’s idea of also using the time to add something fun to the calendar that the family wants to make time to do in the future, like attending live music or going apple picking.

Our family has decided to try to have as many meetings as possible outside and this Sunday morning, will be having our first one down at Beacon’s beach. Funnily enough, I already have more compliments than brainstorming issues in my head. But appreciation was not at the top of my list of reasons to start meeting right now. If I tell you that the week involved travel, a flood that led to more “travel” and some very, very sleepy children, perhaps you’ll guess why. But already, with the appreciations amassing in my head, I sense a lining to those clouds.