Moms Talk Q&A: Are You Sure You Want to Be a Parent?

Moms Talk is a new feature on Poway Patch that is part of a new initiative on our Patch sites to reach out to moms and families. Poway Patch invites you and your circle of friends to help build a community of support for mothers and their families right here in Rancho Bernardo.

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of experts and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions. Moms, dads, grandparents and the diverse families who make up our community will have a new resource for questions about local neighborhood schools, the best pediatricians, 24-hour pharmacies and the thousands of other issues that arise while raising children.

Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a talk about the latest parenting hot topic. Do you know of local moms raising their children in the Tiger Mother's way and is it the best way? Where can we get information on local flu shot clinics for children? How do we talk to our children about the Tucson shootings? How can we help our children's schools weather their budget cutbacks?

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation today, then share your thoughts in the comments.

Question: What should people think about before deciding to have children? Is it possible that some people would be better off not having children? Why?

Mark: In response to this question, let me just run you through a day with kids as the answer lies somewhere in the details. Starting with those wonderful mornings where you’ve managed to get the kitchen clean and the kids dressed and yourself showered.  It has been a full morning and you are ready for perhaps 10 minutes of downtime while you allow the kids to watch a few minutes of Baby Einstein or some other educational DVD or TiVo’d program.  Yes, you have had a fruitful day and even managed to get a load of laundry started in between the incessant requests for juice and help with socks and shoes and searches for dollies and cars.  You have read a dozen books aloud, and some even twice over already.  You have applied band-aids and chased away spiders.  You are quite satisfied with yourself and you have even begun to plan the next day’s events.  Expecting that your “working” half will be coming home soon, you go into the kitchen to check the time and think about dinner.  You glance up and there it is staring back at you, mocking you.  The clock.  It is jeering at you, heckling mercilessly.  You can only gawk back.  It must be broken as it reads 9:15 a.m.  You say a prayer.  “God, Please no.  Please tell me the clock is broken.  It can’t possibly still be morning.  I’m so tired.  Please God.  If you make it 5:15 p.m., I’ll do anything…”  And so it goes until the next “Clock Check.”  It does not matter how long you wait to check either.  It will always be 15 minutes later than the last time you looked.

So, should you have kids?  Well, ask yourself this question, What was I doing fifteen minutes ago?” 

Kristine: I think the most important thing for people to consider before having kids is the time commitment involved.  I have to admit, that 's the one thing that took me by surprise.  Yes I knew it would be tough and that I would forever have to put my kids first, which was fine, but there's still that element of not really knowing what parenting is about until you're already in the trenches.  Everything takes a lot of time and energy. Everything. This continues for many, many years.  I can't count the number of times I've absolutely needed to be at work for something major and had to call in late or sick to tend to my kids.  I know many parents who take the time to plan something great—vacation, party, or a night out—only to have to squash the plans in favor of caring for their kids in some manner.  This is never fun but it's every parent's reality.

I believe this is why many people choose to not have kids.  Some couples want to live for themselves and maintain an element of spontaneity, which is perfectly fine. It's a good call to know what you want  out of life.  In fact, it's far better to choose to not have kids than have them and realize it's not what you wanted.

Leslie: I was young having my first child at age 25.  My husband and I owned our home, had great full-time jobs, life was good.  We knew before getting married that we both wanted children—we didn’t have to decide if children were for us or not, it was known they were.  We also knew that having children would change our lives.  Our “freedom” from doing what we wanted when we wanted would be gone, our expenses would increase, and we would need to be flexible for the unexpected illness, nap, feeding, etc., and even need a bigger car to fit baby, stroller, portable crib, and more.

Having a child is an obligation.  An obligation to be responsible, giving of yourself as a parent, and a great mentor raising your baby and molding him/her into becoming a success in life.